I remember studying for tests when I was in elementary school. Spelling tests mostly. C-A-T. Yes, C-A-T. I liked spelling tests, as it was more or less a form of memorization. Math tests; however, I feared. I knew 1 + 1 and what it equaled but I hoped they would not ask me to expand on that.

In later years, I learned that in addition to my spelling and math tests, I was being tested on my IQ. I was not aware at that tender age of life that I would be tested on something so personal, yet so universal. Something that could and would affect the way I was taught from that point onward. I would have studied more. Maybe gotten more sleep. I had no idea; furthermore, this was the beginning of a battery of tests that I would endure in my life–and most of them would be as unfamiliar as that "standardized test" placed before me and with even less tools than a number 2 pencil.

In high school I took the SATS and before that the pre-SATS and before that I took tests with a certain time limit, and often with multiple choice answers. When all else (brain cells) failed, I chose answer “C” as was suggested by my peers. My SATS were dismal, by the way, and I do not advocate answer “C” based on my own test results. Nevertheless, even based on my SATS and probably more so on my grades and my extracurricular activities and referral letters, I got into college.

In college I was subjected to more tests. I passed these tests too and was awarded a diploma on graduation day. It was after college I was to discover that the real testing would begin. Most of these tests were pass or fail. It is these tests that I will probe.

How will I survive?

This is the first test. Can you survive outside in the world? What did your education get you? Maybe you graduated from high school or maybe college. Maybe you paid your way through or had your parents foot the bill for your education. Either way, when you are out of school you are expected to work for a living and this is where the pass or fail tests begin.

How do you do on job interviews? Maybe you do not get the job and in which case you failed. Or maybe you get the job, in which case you passed. You get the job but hate your boss. How do you deal with that? It can be worse than your stupid parents living under that kind of curfew. "You're late," she says and her eyes demand an explanation. You look at the clock and you are three minutes late. Do you go into detail? Do you give a multiple choice answer or do you go with a bluebook essay explanation. Do you say, "I'm sorry it won't happen again." You have heard that before, that seems to be answer "C." But you remember that answer "C" can sometimes be the wrong answer. You opt for answer "C" and slide by on this one, but know that you can really never use answer "C" again with this boss, as she turns she says, "Good, next time you are fired."

Great you are already getting fired before your first paycheck comes and when it does come you realize that the thing you have heard about but thought were as mythical as unicorns is a real, living, breathing being…living off of you like a bloodsucking leech. Taxes. You never figured that into the equation when you rented that apartment with the garden tub. You had it all worked out that if x + y equaled your paycheck than you would skate by for now with your apartment and your used Honda Civic. But now, all of a sudden you have realized you don't have enough money to live like the bohemian minimalist that you are.

You have now equated taxes into your plan but you fail to remember insurance. Insurance for your car and your renters insurance and your health insurance…who needs that anyway. You are young and healthy. And really what is the chance you will have a fire in your building or an accident. You opt out of insurance.

But a party held by the guy in the cubicle you work next to grips you and grounds you to reality. He is twenty-seven and has just found out he has AIDS. He tells you at his party with his friends and his girlfriend at his side that he will be okay. "Thank you for coming," he says. You realize there is more than just work you should be thinking about. More than just bills and how to pay them. The only way you can survive is if you actually have a chance of surviving.

Will you survive?

You go to the department of health and you get tested for this virus that you believed only happen to other people in Africa. And as they are drawing your blood you realize that you have another pass or fail situation in front of you. Do you know everything you need to know about the people you have slept, leave alone all the people they have slept with? You don't know, of course. And all of a sudden there in no answer "C" and you are afraid, not just tonight, but for days and nights while waiting for the results to come in. You do not sleep or eat and you read everything you can on the Internet which ultimately suggests you get tested for AIDS.

When you go back for your tests, you decide that healthcare should be better in this civilized country. You decide you will vote, regardless of the results. You have already prayed (for the first time since six months ago when a cop pulled you over for speeding) and you decide you will do many things different if you just get the chance to live a little longer.

When the nurse beckons you back to her office and as you tear up knowing you have failed this particular test, she begins with statistics and circuitous answers you have already discovered on the Internet. "Just tell me," you plead as a tear dribbles down your trembling face. "You are negative for HIV," she replies. And that may be the only time in your life you are happy to fail a test. Depending. You have many more tests to take.

Will it survive?

No period this month. You failed that test already so you take the advanced placement test. Are you pregnant? The condom broke and you are broke and you have broken up with him after you realize that he broke his promise of fidelity to you. So there you are, alone. And you urinate onto a strip of paper and frantically await the results. Another negative test result. You are not pregnant. You are not pregnant!

Will they survive?

And down the aisle you go with your white wedding dress and your shiny two karat diamond ring. You know the statistics. Marriage just does not work. Nobody stays together forever. You hope you are going to pass this test. You are confident that this one will have no negative results and that you will be with him forever.

And after many struggles and many disagreements you both decide, five years later, that you cannot live with each other anymore. You tried. He tried. It just won't work. And now, you are a statistic. You are now one of the fifty-five percent. You are divorced.

And just now, in a moment of reflection, you realize how easy it is to become a statistic and just now do you realize how much of life is pass or fail.

Surviving?

You will be subjected to many tests. Some of them will not even be called tests and most of them you will undergo without knowing you are even being tested. (Just like your IQ when you are in elementary school.)

You will have stress tests and cancer screenings. Are you okay? Your morals and values will be tested. Did you help that pregnant woman when she dropped her purse? Did you vote? Your mental health will be tested on a day you least expect it. Are you okay?

Not only will you be tested but everything you own will be tested. Your clothes will be tested–do you still fit them? Your car–is it still drivable? Are the prongs on your diamond earring adjusted properly? Does your watch work? Do you have fresh batteries in your fire alarm? Did you remember to get toilet paper at the store? Is your alarm clock set for the right time? Did you lock the door? Set the alarm while you were downstairs? And still, of course, did you pay the mortgage? Did you pay the car? Did you pay the doctor?

Time brings many tests to us. We do not ask for most of them. Most of them are just part of survival–part of living. And while some things may not be pass or fail, we remember that the big questions do come down to “yes” or “no” and therefore pass or fail. We discover that it matters not what our IQ is, or where we went to school–it is what we do with what we have and where we are. These are the elements that make up our survival and what kind of existence we will have. As long as we are born, we pass. When we die, we fail. Or you can always opt for answer "C."
Cryogenics!

I wish I could take my tests again. If I had just studied harder and gotten more sleep…